The Game Show Forum
The Game Show Forum => The Big Board => Topic started by: passwordplus on April 03, 2004, 01:39:21 AM
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Sometimes the "forwarded" or "joke" emails are actually worth reading! This one came from a friend and I thought I'd pass it along
All addresses were intentionally deleted so the people wouldn't be spam targets
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Subject: Hollywood Squares--When it was Good
> >
> >
> > You remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
> this may
> >bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
> the
> >days when "HollywoodSquares" game show responses were spontaneous and
> >clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall
> was
> >the host asking the questions, of course.
> >
> > Q. Do female frogs croak?
> > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
> >enough.
> >
> > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
> >should you be?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
> >
> > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
> >
> > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
> a man
> >or a woman?
> > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
> >
> > Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
> you
> >think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
> he's
> >married?
> > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
> >
> > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
> older?
> > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> >
> > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
> Love
> >You"?
> > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
> twenty.
> >
> > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
> > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
> >apartment.
> >
> > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
> your
> >hands while talking?
> > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
> and
> >I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
> >
> > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
> >
> > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
> going
> >to get any during the first year?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
> strawberries.
> >
> > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> >
> > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
> nudist
> >camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> >
> > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
> closet?
> > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
> bedroom.
> >
> > Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
> > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> >
> > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
> will a
> >goose do?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> >
> > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give
> birth to?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
> dark.
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with
> getting
> >into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what
> is
> >it?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
> neglected.
> >
> > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
> his
> >head, what was he trying to do?
> > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> >
> > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
> your
> >elephant?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> >
> > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
> him.
> >
> > Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
> them
> >and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
> > A. Charley Weaver: His feet
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
> never do
> >in bed?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
>
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[quote name=\'passwordplus\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 01:39 AM\'] Sometimes the "forwarded" or "joke" emails are actually worth reading! This one came from a friend and I thought I'd pass it along
[/quote]
[list of jokes snipped]
Great list. :-) My favorite zinger came from when Peter listed six of Snow White's dwarfs and asks "Who's missing?"
PAUL: Jimmy Hoffa.
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Delete the bit about "scripted like they are now" and this list makes the grade!
-Jason
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That list (and others I've seen) is fun, of course, but you could also make a fun list of responses for the current show. Heck, you might even be able to squeeze out a few good ones from Davidson's version. The truth is that every version of Squares has had a combination of carefully scripted gags and clever ad-libs from funny people.
It's one thing to prefer one version over another for TRUE reasons. But when someone says that the Marshall version was better and funnier because it wasn't scripted, that person simply doesn't know what he's talking about,
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I know I've read this exact same list on someone's website... possibly Dixon Hayes'. (This would've been a few years ago)
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I say, to heck with demographics! We haven't seen enough The Hollywood Squares on GSN!
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Speak for yourself. I've seen plenty.
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What exactly was it that dictated that Squares, thought for an eon to be lost forever, magically reappear like a mirage (even a relatively small allotment of episodes), air during a brief window of time, and then vanish once more, whilst Match Game, for instance (and no putdown of MG is intended) airs continuously for several years, and seems like it shall as long as the channel bears even a passing resemblance to its original format?
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[quote name=\'drmusic_99\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 05:22 PM\'] What exactly was it that dictated that Squares, thought for an eon to be lost forever, magically reappear like a mirage (even a relatively small allotment of episodes), air during a brief window of time, and then vanish once more, whilst Match Game, for instance (and no putdown of MG is intended) airs continuously for several years, and seems like it shall as long as the channel bears even a passing resemblance to its original format? [/quote]
The two R's, ratings and regulars.
The main reason Marshall Squares didn't stay on GSN was ratings, and the reason Match Game had an advantage there was regulars. You got to know Brett-Charles-Richard. HS had regulars, but they weren't on as often in every show (except for Paul Lynde) and while they were funny, there was none of the ongoing-relationship type of humor that marked MG. People do identify with personality as well as being a joke machine.
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[quote name=\'DrBear\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 06:28 PM\'] The main reason Marshall Squares didn't stay on GSN was ratings, and the reason Match Game had an advantage there was regulars. You got to know Brett-Charles-Richard. HS had regulars, but they weren't on as often in every show (except for Paul Lynde) and while they were funny, there was none of the ongoing-relationship type of humor that marked MG. People do identify with personality as well as being a joke machine. [/quote]
Well, I used Match Game as an example. But Feud and Card Sharks have had impressive runs as well, just to name a couple of other examples. Also Password, Tattletales. It just strikes me as odd that HS would be yanked so quickly, or for that matter that HS wouldn't draw numbers like any of those other shows. But we're beating a dead horse.
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[quote name=\'drmusic_99\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 08:37 PM\'] Well, I used Match Game as an example. But Feud and Card Sharks have had impressive runs as well, just to name a couple of other examples. Also Password, Tattletales. It just strikes me as odd that HS would be yanked so quickly, or for that matter that HS wouldn't draw numbers like any of those other shows. But we're beating a dead horse. [/quote]
Well, part of it is just business. GSN has had easier and less-expensive access to the G-T shows for years and years. The HS acqusition was a separate and probably pricey deal. When it didn't immediately pay off in the form of big ratings, and given that the corporate attitude was to get away from oldies, there wasn't much reason for them to run it.
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Did GSN bosses actually see H2 and think "hey, what a great profit opportunity"? I don't know enough about how all this works, but in retrospect I can't think of a single good business reason to buy the original Squares.
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[quote name=\'Matt Ottinger\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 09:55 AM\'] The truth is that every version of Squares has had a combination of carefully scripted gags and clever ad-libs from funny people. [/quote]
I thought the MG/HS Hour didn't... and that the lack of scripted gags was part of the reason why it didn't work.
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[quote name=\'drmusic_99\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 02:56 PM\'] I know I've read this exact same list on someone's website... possibly Dixon Hayes'. (This would've been a few years ago) [/quote]
There's also a nice little list on IMDB.
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A lot of people think the jokes from the Whoopi era of h2 are lame(myself included). Anyways, if i get anymore to pass along, you'll see it here.
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[quote name=\'passwordplus\' date=\'Apr 5 2004, 02:15 PM\'] A lot of people think the jokes from the Whoopi era of h2 are lame(myself included). Anyways, if i get anymore to pass along, you'll see it here. [/quote]
But it's a law-of-averages issue. One of the things that surprised a lot of people when the old Marshall shows got unearthed is how few really good jokes any one episode contained. The examples in your list are a few dozen gags culled from thousands of shows.
I also bet I could pull some jokes from any episode of the "lame" current version, pretend Vincent Price or Rose Marie said them, and they wouldn't seem out of place at all on one of your lists. If you don't LIKE Whoopi or Gilbert or Bruce, that's one thing. But the current version, show for show and gag for gag, was probably the funniest version of Squares ever.
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[quote name=\'Matt Ottinger\' date=\'Apr 5 2004, 01:05 PM\'] But the current version, show for show and gag for gag, was probably the funniest version of Squares ever. [/quote]
OK, arguable but a logical argument. I will claim that the current H2 had the single-funniest Squares event ever, summed up in two words: "You fool!"
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[quote name=\'dzinkin\' date=\'Apr 4 2004, 01:28 AM\'] [quote name=\'Matt Ottinger\' date=\'Apr 3 2004, 09:55 AM\'] The truth is that every version of Squares has had a combination of carefully scripted gags and clever ad-libs from funny people. [/quote]
I thought the MG/HS Hour didn't... and that the lack of scripted gags was part of the reason why it didn't work. [/quote]
...which also led to frequent bookings of standup comics, such as Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall.
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I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. Bear. While I work nights and haven't had many opportunities to watch the Bergeron version of Squares, I did see the "YOU FOOL!" episode on Y2K eve, and I just about split a gut.
However, growing up in the 70s, and seeing the old Marshall Squares again, there's no comparison. Marshall's rocked big time.
Regards,
Bill McD.